I went to Vermont, today, with my grandparents and my sister. For the most part it was great; albeit kind of awkward, but was better than wasting my day in the house again.

However, there was a large period of time in which I was surrounded by people. I’m usually okay around SOME people, as long as I don’t talk to them, but a LOT of people make me so Goddamn nervous, and I always end up having a breakdown and crying in front of everyone.

I am pretty good at hiding it until I can get somewhere to be alone and calm down for a while, and I took my bag and my ukulele and went outside. I wasn’t alone long, though. My uncle Kevin (he’s the coolest, oh my jeez) came outside with his guitar and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he sat down with me and just started playing a tune, so I started playing my ukulele along with him, awfully, but, I’ve only had it for four days, I’m still working on it. I was really self-conscious at first, but he taught me a bunch of things to work on, and ended up making me feel so much better than I had when I left the crowd. I really adore this man.

Anyway, after the breakdown, I didn’t fully recover until much later, when I had been back with just my grandparents and my sister for a while. I really hate that I can’t keep it together with people. I wish I could just talk to them, like everybody else seems to be able to be able to do so effortlessly. It makes me feel like shit knowing that simple a task can so easily reduce me to nothing but tears and violent shaking.

On an entirely different note, Vermont is beautiful. So many vibrant trees, pretty little houses, farms everywhere. If I weren't so tired of living in such a rural area, I'd love it there.

- Kaye

You know...

I kind of miss how I used to be. But then, at the same time, I don't.

I mean, I used to be so oblivious of how other people saw me. I just didn't really care; all I wanted was to be seen. I thought that was all that mattered. I thought being seen would automatically make me more interesting, or more well liked. I wanted friends, whether there were mutual feelings or not. I guess I was just tired of being alone, and that sort of took over. Plus, it was kind of nice to be blissfully unaware of other people's real feelings.

But, looking back, I realize how annoying I was. Constantly trying to get other people's attention, saying things that I thought would get other people's attention, just for that sole purpose, although a lot of the time it didn't even work. I didn't like myself, much, and I couldn't figure out how to be someone other people liked, so I was just making myself miserable.

I'm much better, now. Still working on some things, but one step at a time, right?

- Kaye

Augh.

I wish I could do more.

All I've been doing today was hanging around the house, which is no fun, when that's practically all I do. I need to stop being lazy and start looking harder for jobs, applying for college, and working on getting my license.

The thing is, getting the motivation to do all that is really hard. For one, I'm scared. I don't believe in myself, and I'm afraid if I try, I'll fail, which is horrible, and I need to get over that, but still. 

Also, I don't really have any support from anybody else. I don't talk to my friends much any more, and I'm even questioning if some of them are really my friends. I know this is partially my fault, I could try to talk to them more, but they don't talk to ME, either, so I'm not entirely to blame. Maybe I should just try talking to them.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start looking for college stuff.  Catcha later, blogster.

- Kaye