I went to Vermont, today, with my grandparents and my sister. For the most part it was great; albeit kind of awkward, but was better than wasting my day in the house again.

However, there was a large period of time in which I was surrounded by people. I’m usually okay around SOME people, as long as I don’t talk to them, but a LOT of people make me so Goddamn nervous, and I always end up having a breakdown and crying in front of everyone.

I am pretty good at hiding it until I can get somewhere to be alone and calm down for a while, and I took my bag and my ukulele and went outside. I wasn’t alone long, though. My uncle Kevin (he’s the coolest, oh my jeez) came outside with his guitar and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he sat down with me and just started playing a tune, so I started playing my ukulele along with him, awfully, but, I’ve only had it for four days, I’m still working on it. I was really self-conscious at first, but he taught me a bunch of things to work on, and ended up making me feel so much better than I had when I left the crowd. I really adore this man.

Anyway, after the breakdown, I didn’t fully recover until much later, when I had been back with just my grandparents and my sister for a while. I really hate that I can’t keep it together with people. I wish I could just talk to them, like everybody else seems to be able to be able to do so effortlessly. It makes me feel like shit knowing that simple a task can so easily reduce me to nothing but tears and violent shaking.

On an entirely different note, Vermont is beautiful. So many vibrant trees, pretty little houses, farms everywhere. If I weren't so tired of living in such a rural area, I'd love it there.

- Kaye

You know...

I kind of miss how I used to be. But then, at the same time, I don't.

I mean, I used to be so oblivious of how other people saw me. I just didn't really care; all I wanted was to be seen. I thought that was all that mattered. I thought being seen would automatically make me more interesting, or more well liked. I wanted friends, whether there were mutual feelings or not. I guess I was just tired of being alone, and that sort of took over. Plus, it was kind of nice to be blissfully unaware of other people's real feelings.

But, looking back, I realize how annoying I was. Constantly trying to get other people's attention, saying things that I thought would get other people's attention, just for that sole purpose, although a lot of the time it didn't even work. I didn't like myself, much, and I couldn't figure out how to be someone other people liked, so I was just making myself miserable.

I'm much better, now. Still working on some things, but one step at a time, right?

- Kaye

Augh.

I wish I could do more.

All I've been doing today was hanging around the house, which is no fun, when that's practically all I do. I need to stop being lazy and start looking harder for jobs, applying for college, and working on getting my license.

The thing is, getting the motivation to do all that is really hard. For one, I'm scared. I don't believe in myself, and I'm afraid if I try, I'll fail, which is horrible, and I need to get over that, but still. 

Also, I don't really have any support from anybody else. I don't talk to my friends much any more, and I'm even questioning if some of them are really my friends. I know this is partially my fault, I could try to talk to them more, but they don't talk to ME, either, so I'm not entirely to blame. Maybe I should just try talking to them.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start looking for college stuff.  Catcha later, blogster.

- Kaye

Cleanliness, Pokemon and BTTF.

Today was a pretty great day!

I didn't do much until about 3:00. That's when my sister had a friend over, which always makes me uncomfortable so I hide away in my room with my cat, Lulu (who really, REALLY hates visitors). She likes to hide in my closet, which had  previously been a horrid mess, and I felt bad that she was taking refuge in such a dump. SO, I decide to clean it! It's really great. I can physically walk INSIDE it, now. That might sound weird, but I love that I can do that, now. And now Lulu doesn't have to hide in a closet full of crap.

While I was cleaning, I got a text from Kelly, my mom's friend. I house-sit for her for about a month every summer, and she told me she had found one of my DS games, Pokemon Diamond. I had been looking for that for the longest time, so I got excited.

Later, my mom and dad came home from a walk, and they had found my Pokewalker that I lost a few days ago. It had my favorite Pokemon in it (AKA Margo the Gengar), and that excited me, too. Yes, I am a Pokemon nerd.

And finally,  the fourth episode of the Back To The Future game came out, today! It currently won't let me play it, which is frustrating, but it's awesome nonetheless.

I love how a few small things can impact my day this much.

- Kaye

(PS: When I was writing this out, it felt pretty... awkward. This is part of the reason why I'm glad I'm doing this blog; it's a good chance to work on my writing.)

Oh, hey.

First post, woo! What's up, Bloggies?

Anyway, I'm fairly certain no one is following my blog yet, but if anyone reads this in the future, I apologize for this, but this post might be kind of sad. I really feel like I need to get this out somewhere, though.

A little less than a week ago, my cat, Ginger, died. She was only five years old- still really young for a cat, so it was completely unexpected. Then, a few days later, my rabbit, Maisy, died as well. That wasn't unexpected at all- she had been looking sickly for quite a while prior to this.

Now, I'm not entirely sure how other people would have reacted in a situation like this, but I was devastated. I suppose for some people, pets are just that: pets. But to me, it was like losing two of my best friends. I don't get out much, at all. I don't have a lot of friends outside of the internet that I can physically hang out with, so I spend a lot of time just with my pets. It really sucks to have to lose two of your best friends in less than a week. It just doesn't seem fair, but hey, life's not fair, right?

I'm handling it a little better, now, and I'm sure I'll be much better soon, but part of me doesn't want to be. Part of me feels like I don't deserve to go back to how I was (not that how I was is much better than how I am now). I feel like it's a bad thing to get over things like that, even though I know that it's perfectly normal. It will be a distant, stinging memory, instead of a constant, dull pain. It won't effect me much anymore. I don't feel like I should get to that point, but I know I will. I tend to create conflict with myself a lot.

Alrighty, I'm pretty hungry, so I'm going to wrap this up. If anyone is reading this, thank you.

- Kaye